S.E.X!!! Sexual intercourse. Birds and the bees. Bumping uglies. Gettin jiggy with it. Making love. Horizontal line dancing. Knocking boots. Coitis. For all my Jesus-loving homies – being fruitful and multiplying.
Okay, before you start sweating bullets of nervous anticipation, RELAAAX, I’m not about to give you a play-by-play describing the ins-and-outs (ahaha! get it? In and out?? It’s an innuendo) of what sex is. I am going to trust that the demographic of people reading this are old enough to know the basic mechanics. If by some chance you’re older than 16 and don’t know what sexual intercourse is, you have some bigger issues my friend and probably need to book yourself a therapy sesh…
Sex is by far the most relatable and known experience to mankind. Literally, every single human was biologically formed to insert A into B. It’s science. The practicality of sex: populating the earth. BUT did you know that sex was designed for a whole lot more then simply putting more humans on the earth? I know, crazy right??! Look I’m not a sexologist, (though I wish I was – BEST PROFESSION EVER!), but I can tell you with 120% confidence that sex has more than one purpose.
For you horn-dogs out there you’re probably thinking – “duh Chloe, it’s for pleasure with a capital P.” HELLO! You ain’t wrong there kids! BUT… I’m going to take this up a notch and say,
Sex is ultimately the most fulfilling, most satisfying and most pleasurable within the context of marriage.
Now, before you roll your eyes and tune out I dare you to ride this to the end. Yes, I am a Christian, and I unequivocally accept that my religious beliefs influence my views on sex, however I believe that you could be an atheist, Hindu, monk, Buddhist, LGBTQ-ist, firethrower-ist to adopt this belief. This isn’t just for the prude conservatives or bigots, it can be a belief for errrbody.
Here is one thing I bet we can all agree on: sex is important. The amount of importance we place on sex is another matter altogether. When we live in a culture and time in our society where the definition of what “good sex” looks like has many different faces, it’s a challenge narrowing it down and trying to convince you that the TRUE answer to hot, passionate, A-MAAAZING sex is within marriage.
Already, simply by using the word marriage, I’ve lost half of you because for a lot of you marriage is just a piece of paper, for some marriage is a confining box that limits and stifles great and thrilling sex. And for many, marriage leaves a bitter taste in your mouth filled with pain and disappointing memories.
But, I would argue that even more people equate sex with negative ramifications, memories and meaning, rather than positive ones. Here is why: sex is an act designed to be a mutual bonding experience between two people who love and respect each other in the context of a committed relationship sealed with the vows of marriage. This is more than just a moral argument by the way, it’s also using logic, reason and research.
I am going to reference Author Sheila Wray Gregoire who wrote, “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex,” because she is LEGIT and you should definitely read her book! Firstly, what I looove about Gregoire’s main idea is focusing not on what sex isn’t, what you SHOULD’NT be doing, but allowing ourselves to broaden our hearts and minds to how we can reach the fullest potential sex has to offer! How awesome is that?! However, there are some elephants in the room we need to address in a judgement-free zone. (Note: In absolutely NO WAY do I judge you if you’re having sex outside of marriage, I would be a total hypocrite if I did).
Firstly, it seems the biggest argument to doing the “deed” whenever, however, to whoever comes from a place of believing that we can separate the physical from the emotional. The general message our culture sends is that sex can be a purely physical experience. However, the problem here is:
“If we see sex only in the physical realm, we miss out on the potential sex has. We degrade it to be far less than it was created to be (Gregoire 25).”
What I get from this is that sex is a holistic experience and was created to be both physical, emotional and spiritual. Again, the problem is that the overall message being promoted in our culture;
“Sounds quite progressive and woman-positive, which is why we believe it. It says we need to take control of our own sexual satisfaction. We need to be in touch with our own bodies, have fun with ourselves, know what we like, and celebrate our own sexuality before we can have any sort of sexual relationship. In fact, the relationship itself is only secondary to our own sexual selves. We need to know how to have an orgasm, know what feels good, and know what we like, all before sex can be good with someone else. To me this turns our husbands into sex toys rather than partners.”
We have ultimately turned what was meant to be the purest form of selflessness into the most selfish, self-serving thing on this earth. This isn’t just about morality, it’s about our mindsets and the notion of entitlement, control and a misguided sense of freedom. And just so you know, this is more than some kind of sermon I’m preaching from a self-righteous pedestal. I’m also speaking from my own experience…
I had sex before I was married. I wasn’t a committed Christian, but deep down I knew in my gut/conscience that what I was doing was a big deal and that I was losing out more than I was gaining. I knew even then that though I succumbed to the pressure to have sex it’s “no biggy,” it reaaally was the biggest BIGGY, and it would pave the way for what would cause the most pain and damage in my life. Sex outside of marriage has by far caused the most damage mentally and emotionally in my life.
In fact, the root of my diagnosis, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, can be traced back to my sexual past. It is important to note that I have both experienced consensual sex, as in I made a mutual decision with the other person, however unfortunately I have also been among the many women (and men) who have been sexually assaulted. I, like many, know what it is to be at the hands of someone’s lack of self-control and selfishness. There is nothing in this world more shame inducing, violating and soul destroying then sexual assault. This in itself should be enough proof that sex is more than just a physical act, for if it were simply a physical act, then non-consensual sex, theoretically speaking, shouldn’t effect a persons psyche. No wonder we are all so confused about our sexuality, when what we are taught is so deeply contradictory.
We are told to have it all, yet hide it all. “While one message says we should glorify our bodies, the other says we should feel embarrassed by them, as if sex is somehow shameful (27).”
Sex was NEVER meant to incite shame or fear, but when I look at the sexual climate of our world, SHAME and FEAR are all I see.
To be continued….